tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post8324922174519681401..comments2023-10-01T12:16:36.158-04:00Comments on Writing in the Wilderness: Blogfest Weekend (Part Two)sarahjayne smythehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02589820347348973092noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-74776969677370117692010-04-12T21:48:00.890-04:002010-04-12T21:48:00.890-04:00Nice! I agree with Lilah on the tension! great cha...Nice! I agree with Lilah on the tension! great characters and description as well. Thanks for playing!tarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08230867804745884490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-10030172634022772862010-04-12T16:48:40.541-04:002010-04-12T16:48:40.541-04:00I LOVE the atmosphere you created! And the tension...I LOVE the atmosphere you created! And the tension - WOW! That was great!<br /><br />(And funny tidbit: I just got an email notifying me that you just commented on my latest post, while I was writing this.)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-710703245802617782010-04-12T07:52:21.916-04:002010-04-12T07:52:21.916-04:00Theresa, thanks. Creepy is right.
Susan, thank yo...Theresa, thanks. Creepy is right.<br /><br />Susan, thank you so much. I’m glad you think so.<br /><br />Carol, thank you. High praise indeed from someone whose writing I admire. And yes, it might be a part of a longer piece. I’ll have to see about that. Thanks for noticing the details.<br /><br />AA, thanks so much. What a wonderful thing to say. Seamless is good. And I’m so glad the descriptions worked for you.sarahjayne smythehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02589820347348973092noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-43613766174384282502010-04-12T02:07:08.887-04:002010-04-12T02:07:08.887-04:00Your descriptions are seamless. You seem to have a...Your descriptions are seamless. You seem to have a wonderfully vivid imagination to describe atmosphere like that. I especially like, "Haze hangs heavy here, thick and pressing in all around him in the meager spill of light that’s lost to the shadows and the corners in the dark, narrow streets and darker, narrower alleys." It made me shivver!<br /><br />Great job!Jessica Bellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10889900730906728317noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-84021685217998723732010-04-11T23:49:07.881-04:002010-04-11T23:49:07.881-04:00Oh my goodness, so much tension. So very intense. ...Oh my goodness, so much tension. So very intense. A huge story packed into a short one. Well done. I'm so curious. This feels like something that could be made into a longer story. And the imagery...so vivid. And all the little details that speak volumes ("She lifts a skeletal shoulder.")<br /><br />Well done.Carolina M. Valdez Schneiderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11589934533051907801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-91364721445053553132010-04-11T23:22:58.001-04:002010-04-11T23:22:58.001-04:00Awesome scene! Your description is wonderful and y...Awesome scene! Your description is wonderful and you did a great job setting the mood.Susan Fieldshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02433408456603462774noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-2527637094130908792010-04-11T21:39:47.027-04:002010-04-11T21:39:47.027-04:00This is a very different blogfest than the last on...This is a very different blogfest than the last one. So creepy.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-56986747262150201162010-04-11T19:28:42.112-04:002010-04-11T19:28:42.112-04:00EJ, thanks. I’m glad that worked for you. :)
Eli...EJ, thanks. I’m glad that worked for you. :) <br /><br />Elizabeth, thank you. I’m glad you liked it. :)<br /><br />Raquel, thanks for noticing that. I’ve been working on framing things through multiple senses and from a director’s POV. It’s helped.<br /><br />Donna, thanks. I wasn’t sure about my choice. And yeah, I tried to differentiate between the old man, the bartender, and the MC (as he).<br /><br />I should probably work on my hatred of naming things. :) And find another word for skeletal. I should have used Wordle before I posted. <br /><br />Eva, thanks. I know. :)<br /><br />Simon, thanks. Cheers! :)<br /><br />M., thank you. I appreciate that. :)<br /><br />Thanks, Bettty.sarahjayne smythehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02589820347348973092noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-2946596232978717962010-04-11T19:19:50.010-04:002010-04-11T19:19:50.010-04:00Great use of dialogue!Great use of dialogue!Bossy Bettyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12568355839499622409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-79364640052864400682010-04-11T19:06:06.419-04:002010-04-11T19:06:06.419-04:00I especially love your first few paragraphs. I usu...I especially love your first few paragraphs. I usually hate description but I'll take it from you.<br /><br />Beautfiul in its bleak way.Mary Grayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14381578745894421730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-10298944703556395392010-04-11T18:33:15.837-04:002010-04-11T18:33:15.837-04:00I already knew you were good at atmosphere, good l...I already knew you were good at atmosphere, good lady. You certainly have a knack for it.<br /><br />Lots of skeletal people here... we really get a feel for the poverty and desperation. Nicely done!<br /><br />Now I want a drink...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-21030311533097649322010-04-11T17:48:50.321-04:002010-04-11T17:48:50.321-04:00You have a great eye for detail, and ear for dialo...You have a great eye for detail, and ear for dialog. This is so bleak; I can feel his pain. <br /><br />I would nitpick the pronouns too, because I am easily confused, but that is an easy fix, if you are so inclined.Eva Porterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14855603175280772481noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-60497007676301442022010-04-11T17:26:06.983-04:002010-04-11T17:26:06.983-04:00A very powerful scene. Vivid; filled with horror ...A very powerful scene. Vivid; filled with horror and regret. You have a talent for descriptions.<br /><br />I'm gonna nit pick a little. This was a little hard to follow for two reasons: 1) there are three men talking and moving and "he" is used too often in narrative and dialogue tags; 2) everyone is bony, skeletal, and I'm not sure if these are living survivors of the holocaust or undead beings. <br /><br />I'm completely drawn to your main character however. The voice is clear. You've painted a very bleak setting, and I want to know how the world became this way, and what the MC role in setting things right is going to be.<br /><br />An interesting choice. I liked it for it's world building qualities.<br /><br />.........dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-73574346693427742010-04-11T16:22:39.177-04:002010-04-11T16:22:39.177-04:00"The door snicks closed behind him and he sto..."The door snicks closed behind him and he stops, long fingers tapping a staccato beat against the pistol on his thigh..."<br /><br />I think you descriptions are so wonderful. The way you set up a scene with sight and sound, angles and light. Great job.Raquel Byrneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12870113745683162915noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-78313192301895662402010-04-11T15:13:57.712-04:002010-04-11T15:13:57.712-04:00“The end of the last war.” The bartender sets a cl...“The end of the last war.” The bartender sets a clean glass in front of him, splashes it half full of whiskey as his eyes slide to the old man. “We just quit numbering them.”<br /><br />I loved this bit of worldbuilding. What a great way to say this country has been at war forever without coming out to say so!<br /><br />This was wonderful.Elizabeth Poolehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03214706118828699708noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-44360138733777474262010-04-11T14:05:52.551-04:002010-04-11T14:05:52.551-04:00Great descriptions. Love the ..."dark, jagged...Great descriptions. Love the ..."dark, jagged slash just under her jaw line." The tone throughout is unsettling and kept me on edge.EJ Fechendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05300369395930503020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-60374871672872162162010-04-11T14:01:22.824-04:002010-04-11T14:01:22.824-04:00Talli, thanks. I'm glad you liked it. :)
Hi, ...Talli, thanks. I'm glad you liked it. :)<br /><br />Hi, Anne. Thanks and no, I don't think you've seen this before. But I'm glad you liked 'rictus of rage.' :)<br /><br />Stu, thank you.<br /><br />Nym, you're too kind as usual. Thank you. And I'm apparently a big fan of despair. :)<br /><br />Tara, Harley, and lakeviewer, thanks. I'm glad you all liked this. :)<br /><br />Amalia and Shelley, thanks. :)<br /><br />Lilah, thanks. The hotel linen so does not sound like a fun Sunday afternoon. :)sarahjayne smythehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02589820347348973092noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-82598048745109537912010-04-11T13:44:48.014-04:002010-04-11T13:44:48.014-04:00This raises a lot of questions. I'm intereste...This raises a lot of questions. I'm interested in this war and what went on prior to this scene. Nicely done.Shelley Slyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07981620646634240160noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-42712202277802154192010-04-11T13:41:04.599-04:002010-04-11T13:41:04.599-04:00I signed you up for Last Line. Thanks for wanting ...I signed you up for Last Line. Thanks for wanting to participate, and I will be back to read your story. For now, I'm off to go fold 400 lbs of hotel linen for 8 hours (I'm SO never folding a personal towel or sheet again!)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-11199510535040363552010-04-11T12:48:53.144-04:002010-04-11T12:48:53.144-04:00I think this has a lot of emotion and tension, but...I think this has a lot of emotion and tension, but it could have used some names-- there were several places where I wasn't sure who was speaking, exactly. Maybe it doesn't matter so much, though, since the point is more the story that they're telling. Very interesting!Amalia Dillinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13005039978668326144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-71840645899342999842010-04-11T12:45:22.241-04:002010-04-11T12:45:22.241-04:00This is great writing!This is great writing!Rosaria Williamshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03133147851332084180noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-8615374512841407002010-04-11T11:40:51.770-04:002010-04-11T11:40:51.770-04:00Great descriptions! I love the set up at the begin...Great descriptions! I love the set up at the beginning to really give the air of the depressing times. Great stuff!Anastasia V. Pergakishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03350626962513824401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-24779338386185186962010-04-11T11:29:40.173-04:002010-04-11T11:29:40.173-04:00I can't get my head into this as much as I wou...I can't get my head into this as much as I would like, but you know I love your stuff. And this is no excepetion. So beautiful all the way through. I wanted to know if the MC was the brother!Tarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09008153523366719973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-6778588315233970392010-04-11T09:42:49.816-04:002010-04-11T09:42:49.816-04:00the roiling sea of bodies, withered, skeletal crea...<i>the roiling sea of bodies, withered, skeletal creatures wrapped in dull shades of grey and dirty brown scurrying under a dark, angry sky.</i><br /><br />These words etch such a precise picture of the scene in our minds! Just a handful of them, and the image - straight out of Dante's Inferno - is there for us to see, feel, smell.<br />Gustave Doré could not have done better, and he was an illustrator! :)<br /><br />The despair, the hopelessness are strong enough to taste, and there is no relief - not even in the tale of rescue and salvation, because in a place like this one, there can be none.<br /><br />Excellent as always. Thank you!Maddalenahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11457992684016570400noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669763793815784823.post-39610220161027392172010-04-11T08:03:36.610-04:002010-04-11T08:03:36.610-04:00I like the tension of it, though possibly there ar...I like the tension of it, though possibly there are one or two small issues with repetition and unnecessary exposition. I liked the descriptive elements at the start quite a lot.stuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16388674850920848503noreply@blogger.com